Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
