tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
just tell him i said nine months
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
