My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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