She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
