I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
My ass is underappreciated
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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