dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
