you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
