oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
