I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
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