So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
