I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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