hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
