I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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