Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Randomize
