I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
