I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
