Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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