singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize