im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Barsexuality is the new black.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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