I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
