My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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