Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
