She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
