I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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