You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
