I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
This is my gift to your gina
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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