I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
