i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
