Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
even my farts smell like vagina
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize