if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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