let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
