I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
