Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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