it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
