Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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