i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
