you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
