So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
