ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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