and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
