I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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