I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
