Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
