just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
