I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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