Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
