i need an iv and a liver transplant
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
