How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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