so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
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