best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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