i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
