I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize