Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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