I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
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