who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
