One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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