The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
