Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
