he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
This house was built for laser tag.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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