How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
this beer tastes like vomit already
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize