If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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