I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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