nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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