He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
